


What's Past is Prologue

by Kristinabird



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Dirty Talk, Explicit Sexual Content, Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, Lily Evans Potter & Severus Snape Friendship, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Misunderstandings, POV Severus Snape, Past Domestic Violence, Porn with Feelings, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Self-Esteem Issues, Sirius Black is a Bully, Top Remus Lupin, snape - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-07-28 11:42:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20063455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kristinabird/pseuds/Kristinabird
Summary: This is the story of how Severus Snape and Remus Lupin went from children, afraid of the dark parts of themselves and seeking comfort, to young men bumbling about trying to find acceptance, and then to adults with more pain than they should ever have had to endure.





	What's Past is Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> SO first of all, let me begin by saying that I have been reading fanfic for 17 years. I was a lurker for most of them. But I discovered fanfic when I was 15. (I'm 32. don't worry about the math) Back then, the first fic I read was a Drarry, but then the second I stumbled upon a Snupin. It became my OTP. Back in the old days, before JKR married off Lupin and killed them both, this was a very respectable ship. There are old archives and fests I could direct you to. Now it's what I lovingly call a canoe. Me and 4 people talking about the good old days as the big ships go sailing by. I only started writing fic last year and it's all been Drarry. There isn't much audience for Snupin, and frankly, I was afraid I'd mess it up. When I wrote a Snupin I wanted it to be worthy of all of the incredible fics I'd read many moons ago. I don't think I achieved it. What you get is what I like. It's super angst, super heartbreaking, a lot of dirty-talk, and a happy ending. 
> 
> I want to thank/worship my Alpha/Beta [Andithiel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andithiel/pseuds/Andithiel) without her this would be a half finished bit of nonsense with the POV's all over the place. Also Etalice, who is unfailingly fantastic and helped me shape this as a draft.

“Fuck...yes...Merlin you’re so tight...ughh...you feel so good on my cock…”

Snape still had no idea how he’d gotten here; on his hands and knees in a guest bedroom of Sirius fucking Black’s childhood home being fucked into oblivion by Remus Lupin. If he’d told his fifteen-year-old self he would one day be here, he’d have been deeply confused. 

He heard himself let out a low moan as Lupin’s hands held his hips in a firm, solid, grip and began to pound into him in earnest. Snape loved him like this, feral and wild rutting into him with abandon.

He remembered when he first met the man, back when the man was just a boy in worn denims and a soft oatmeal jumper. Lily had told him she’d made a friend in Gryffindor and she’d invited him to study with them. It was only two months into his first year, and he’d quickly discovered that Hogwarts wasn’t the safe haven his mother had told him it would be. Sure, he was safe from his father's fists, but it turns out that being clever, smarter than most of your classmates (and some of the older students) and coming complete with a built-in predilection for snarky retorts, does not endear you to your fellows. 

Growing up he’d never had much experience with other children, his father had feared that if he’d gone to regular school, people would see that he’d sired a freak. So he was homeschooled, his only companion his despondent, taciturn mother. The only time she ever had any spark at all was when she taught him magic (granted, she mostly knew curses) and when she’d spoken of Hogwarts.

He’d thought this was his chance. He’d be free. But here too, it seemed Lily Evans was the only person that could stand him, and now he was about to be replaced by some other boy, this “friend” of Lily’s...

  
“Fuck Severus... Look at you,” Remus groaned as he looked down at his cock disappearing inside Snape's, pliant willing body, “I love the way you take me so well…” Lightly calloused hands caressed down his sides as he bent down over him sliding his fingers up to his nipples, toying with them until they stiffened into firm rosy peaks that shot electricity up and down his spine, into his toes and made him shudder and cry out as he impaled himself deeper onto Lupin’s prick seeking that deep, punishing fullness.

“Come here.” Lupin groaned as he roughly pulled him up so that he was on his knees, his back flush to Lupins sweat-slicked chest, one arm wrapped possessively around his torso, the other snaking down to grip his leaking cock as he slowed his pace, but continuing to rock into him. “Mmmm… so hard for me… you like this don’t you? You like my big thick cock inside you don’t you Severus?”

Snape nodded fervently as he threw his head back, resting it on Lupin’s shoulder. He looked up into piercing eyes that seemed to burn right through him, sharp with lust. 

  
The first time he’d seen those eyes, he’d been tentatively approaching a back corner table of the library, following his charming, vibrant, best friend, unsure of what to expect. He’d spotted the boy, hunched over a stack of books absentmindedly nibbling on a chocolate frog as his gaze shifted from the book in front of him to his parchment, scrawling a few notes, and occasionally looking over to another text, sandy hair falling into his eyes. 

“Remus!” Lily waved and the boy looked up, soft honey-coloured eyes looked smiling at her before they flicked over to Severus, his gaze becoming uncertain. 

Lily beamed as she dragged her shy, sullen, friend over to the table, “This is Severus.” 

The boy, Remus apparently, smiled shyly and held out a hand. “Hi, nice to meet you.”

It had been awkward at first, but Remus, like Lily, was impressed by his intelligence and found his confidence and sarcasm amusing, rather than off-putting. Their study sessions became the highlight of Severus’ days. Until _ they _came, and took it all away. 

  
Snape whimpered helplessly as Lupin stroked him languidly with one hand while the other alternated between teasing the sensitive buds of Snapes's nipples and running up and down his body caressing his thigh, cupping his heavy bollocks, then trailing a finger from the base of his cock and up and into his hair. He tugged gently exposing his neck as he laved wet kisses on his exposed collar-bone. Snape let out a choked gasp and Lupin licked up to the shell up his ear in one broad swipe as he chuckled and whispered low, “I like you like this, desperate and at my mercy, that brilliant mind silent and focused on the pleasure I’m wringing from you, that razor-sharp tongue incapable of coherent speech as I take you.”

“Nghhh…”Snape wanted more, he needed more. He gripped Lupin’s thighs and began to ride him increasing the pace as he relished the lurid sound of flesh on flesh. Lupin gripped his hips and began pumping up, meeting him thrust for thrust until _ Oh! There _ ** _it_ ** _ was _! The firm head of Lupin’s cock hitting that sweet spot inside him over and over… Snape wanted to weep from the pleasure of it as the man behind him groaned in ecstasy.

  
It was ironic really that Remus hadn’t been the one Severus needed to worry about. As the year went on, more and more friendships began to form amongst the new students at Hogwarts, the most notable of all being that of James Potter and Sirius Black. They were wealthy, handsome, mischievous, and worst of all popular. At first, Severus had ignored them, choosing instead to simply stay out of their way, but they, unfortunately, had other ideas. Black had come from a family who had been in Slytherin for as far back as anyone could remember, and yet he hated them more fiercely than perhaps anything else in this world. He could not abide the Slytherin in their midst. Whenever he looked across the grounds at Remus and Lily studying with Severus he directed sharp disgusted glances at them. He seemed to make it his personal mission in life to rid his house of filth like Severus. Severus often wondered if he ever saw the irony in that position, given his hatred of the concept of pureblood ideals and “purity” in general. Regardless, it only grew worse once Potter began to fancy Lily. 

They’d taken every chance they could to pry their wayward Gryffindors away from the nasty Slytherin, and while Lily saw no appeal in either boy, they could give Remus something Severus couldn’t. A place to belong. 

Severus could see the moment he met Remus how desperate he was for acceptance, something Severus and Lily didn’t give a toss about either way, but Lupin… there was something about him, this constant fear of rejection that Severus, having spent his entire life being rejected just couldn’t understand. 

Time passed and slowly they saw less and less of the sandy-haired, jumper clad boy, except on a few rare occasions when Black and Potter were off making trouble and Remus could sneak away to meet with them in the library. Severus never realized how much he cared about Remus till he was mostly gone, but he still got to see him, and laugh with him, study with him. And that was enough. It would have been enough.

Three years passed, and Severus found himself more and more often alone. Lily had begun to form friendships with other girls in her house, and Severus being in different classes, different common rooms, different ends of the castle, saw her less and less. He began to form superficial relationships with the boys in his house. He knew they were mostly using him for help with schoolwork, or to purchase the potions he brewed on the side for extra pocket money, but he supposed it was better than nothing. He knew how to cope with being alone, but he still craved praise, validation, and all the other things his father said he didn’t deserve. He hated himself for wanting it, it felt like weakness. 

Then one afternoon in potions, Professor Slughorn assigned group projects. He was secretly thrilled when he was assigned Remus as his partner, it meant an excuse to spend more time together. Remus’ friends all gave him consoling pats on the shoulder and commiserating looks, as he packed his things and moved to Severus’ table, but he didn’t miss the playful twinkle in the other boy’s eye as he began to arrange his things. Severus also didn’t miss the watchful knowing glare of Sirius Black. 

  
“FUCK!” Lupin shouted as Snape slammed down onto him and stilled. Lupin pushed himself in further as he pulled Snape's hips down hard enough to bruise, just holding him there as deep inside the other man as he could go, their balls resting against each other as Snape made slow grinding circles with his hips, feeling every inch of the man inside of him. Lupin reached up and cupped Snape's chin turning his head and pulling him down into a wet, desperate kiss, all tongues and moans, devouring him, like he was his last meal before an execution. And these days, for all they knew, it could be true. 

The first time they’d kissed it had begun as a shy, tentative thing. Severus had sensed the tension building between them for weeks but dared not make a move, for fear he’d miscalculated. The way things were between him and the Marauders, an error like that would cost him dearly. 

Then one day while working in the empty potions classroom, Severus had knocked his quill off the table. He and Remus had both bent to retrieve it at the same time and ended up knocking heads, Remus had laughed as he rubbed his temple and Severus gave him a shy grin and a low chuckle. But slowly as they looked at each other, they couldn’t remember what had been funny. Dark eyes gazed into honey, and slowly Remus had moved in and placed his soft lips on Severus’. It was barely a touch, the gentlest brush of a kiss. Severus had pulled away quickly and immediately Remus had begun to make excuses about the time and rushed to pack his things. Severus often wonders what would have happened if he hadn’t reached out then and grabbed Remus by the wrist, if Remus hadn’t turned back to look at him, eyes vulnerable and embarrassed, and if Severus hadn’t pulled him in and kissed him again. 

After that, they met frequently in secret, nearly every day. And every day, Severus felt Black’s gaze grow harder and more focused on him. Kisses turned to clumsy groping, which turned into sloppy blow jobs, which turned into secret confessions in abandoned classrooms. Severus told Remus everything; all about his father, about the beatings he endured during the holidays, the way he had grown up in isolation, about his fears that he would always be alone, that he was just too harsh and abrasive to be lovable, he told him about the growing pressure in Slytherin house to unite behind some new wizard who claimed to be able to make the wizarding world great again, by strengthening the magical world, by placing importance over the well being of magical people over the muggles, by reminding wizards of their superiority and power, and exerting strength to remove “undesirable elements”. It all sounded okay in theory, but it frightened him. He’d exposed himself both emotionally and physically in every way he knew how and hoped desperately that it was enough. 

Remus, in turn spoke of a bright and happy childhood, full of friends and family, but described a deadly illness as a child that had nearly killed him. He told Severus that it had made his mother protective, afraid to let him out of her sight for even a moment after that. Apparently, the disease had been quite contagious and it had made his relatives and other children’s parents frightened to be near him (despite the danger having passed) and everything had changed overnight, making him also isolated, and lonely, much like Severus’ childhood. Severus wondered which was worse, never having known that sort of love and friendship, or being surrounded by it and having it taken away. He honestly didn’t know, although he supposed it accounted for the difference in their natures regarding the need for human contact and acceptance. 

Severus always knew there was more, Remus refused to name the illness. He claimed it was a rare muggle illness, and that Severus wouldn’t have heard of it. Severus never pushed, for fear of driving the other boy away. He knew it was foolish but he was slowly letting himself become dependent on that warm loving acceptance. Even when Severus lost his temper and lashed out, or said something rude, Remus was unflappably patient, and would always be there when he returned to apologize. Severus knew he was skinny and pointy and that his hair was often greasy from hours spent bent over a cauldron, but Remus never seemed to mind, drawn instead to his brilliant mind, and clever wit, their shared histories, and similar fears. Remus made him feel attractive and desirable in a world where nobody else would look twice at him, and if they did, it would be to mock his lanky frame, overpowering nose, and unkempt hair. 

Severus had wanted to be able to tell everybody about them, to be able to say, I may be abrasive, rude, awkward and unattractive, but that kind, sweet, beautiful boy wants me. He wants _ me. _He knew he couldn’t though, there was too much at stake for Remus. Remus didn’t want to lose his friends, his precious Gryffindor pack. It hurt that Severus wasn’t, couldn’t, be enough for him, that he was some dirty little secret Remus hid from the world. No matter how many times Remus insisted that it wasn’t true, that he loved Severus, that he trusted him with his heart, with everything he had, and that he just needed time, Severus knew. He always knew there was something. He was just so afraid of being alone again, that he took what he could get, figuring that it was better than nothing, and more than anyone else was likely to give him. 

Lily was furious. She’d told him over and over that what Remus was doing was wrong. Told him that if Remus loved him as he claimed he did, he wouldn’t treat him this way, but Severus didn’t want to hear it. Eventually, she stopped speaking to Remus altogether, disgusted with his treatment of Severus, and their occasional study sessions came to an end. She still spent time with Severus from time to time, but now there were danger zones, hidden landmines in their conversations, and the easy, open friendship they had enjoyed had a Remus Lupin shaped wedge in it. 

And yet, Severus still clung to his secret moments with Remus like a drowning man in a sea of hatred and indifference. So when one night they found themselves snogging and groping, half-naked lying in a grove near the forbidden forest, Severus decided to throw caution to the wind. He pulled back from the kiss, slowly, silently, removed his trousers, tapped his wand against his hip, muttering the spell he’d been practicing for weeks now, that opened and slicked him, reached for Remus, and wordlessly lined him up to his entrance. He looked up and saw the stunned, breathless expression on the other boy’s face, his eyes wide and seemed to search Severus’ face for any sign that he had mistaken his intent. Severus just nodded and carefully pulled the blond’s hips toward himself, breaching his own entrance for the first time in a wordless declaration of love, of trust, of sincerity. Remus’ mouth fell open and he squeezed his eyes shut, sucking in a harsh breath as he penetrated him. Once Remus was fully sheathed, he looked down in wonder at the boy below him. He smoothed the hair back from Severus’ face, tucking it behind his ear, cupped his hand on his cheek, then leaned down and kissed him. A slow gentle kiss that opened the floodgates of emotion between them, all the honest love and desire and words unspoken as their souls and their bodies joined. It hadn’t taken long that first time, Severus had wrapped his legs around his partner and clung to him as they kissed and made love in the quiet of the forest. 

Later, when Remus lay spent on top of him, lying in a cooling pool of Severus’ release, Severus had felt a contentment unlike any he’d ever known. The boy he loved was on him, was _ in _him, slowly softening, but he knew when he returned to his bed alone tonight Remus’ semen, his DNA, his essence, would still be inside him, a reminder of what they’d done. 

“Well, well, well, isn’t this interesting? Are you going to keep him to yourself Moony, or do we all get a turn?” They both looked up, to find Sirius Black, James Potter, and Peter Pettigrew standing at the edge of the clearing. Remus looked furious, but also mortified, and the look of embarrassment on his face broke Severus’ heart. He didn’t hear much of the row that ensued between Remus and his friends, he just had to get out of there before he did something unspeakable, like perform an unforgivable, or worse, cry. He hastily threw on his robes and fled towards the castle. He had almost made it to the doors when he heard Remus running behind him, calling after him. Severus paid him no mind as he slipped through the doors and into the labyrinth of the dungeon corridors. He needed to think.

The next day, he decided to find Remus and get him alone. He needed to speak to him. He knew, or he thought he’d known, that what they’d shared, what they’d done last night was real. That it meant something. He was certain that Remus loved him. That he trusted him with his whole heart and that he had only been embarrassed at being caught in the middle of such an intimate moment. Surely anybody would be? When he got to class, Remus was absent. He was told that Remus had taken ill and would be out the next few days. Desperate to see him, he’d decided to skip his next class. He was en route to the hospital wing when he was accosted by Black. 

“You don’t fool me Snivellus. I’ve been on to you two for months. I don’t know what you want from him, what sick game you’re playing or what you plan to do to him, but I’m warning you to back off.” He punctuated this statement with a sharp push to Severus’ chest. “Remus Lupin doesn’t love you, he doesn’t want you, and I assure you he is not a man to be fucked with. I bet you think you know him, don’t you? That he trusts you? You don’t mean shit to him you filthy little toerag.” He spat, and this eyes glinted with cold mischief, “You want my proof? Go to the whomping willow tonight after dark. There’s a knot in the base of the trunk that stills the tree, and a secret passageway. Follow it. You’ll get your proof. Remus doesn’t trust you, he doesn’t want you, and if you try to hurt him, you’ll see how powerful and dangerous he can be.”

So Severus did. And he discovered that Black was right. Remus had lied to him from the very beginning. He’d trusted Sirius Black, a “friend” who freely betrayed his secret to get revenge, but not to Severus. Severus, who had told him everything, who had wanted to give him everything, who had let him… Severus threw up. Suddenly he felt so violated by what he’d let Lupin do to him that night in the forest. He had given over everything, and Lupin just took it, with no intention to give anything back in return. He spent a week in his rooms after that. Slowly building up the walls he had foolishly let slip. Never again he thought to himself. Lupin had tried to write to him, but he’d returned every letter unopened. He’d apparently bribed another Slytherin for the location to the common room and knocked, trying to get someone to get Severus to come out to speak with him. Severus had refused. And when Snape had finally returned to the world again Lupin had approached him in the corridor and tried to speak with him. Snape took all the pain he felt and turned it to anger, walking away from the pleading boy. When Lupin grabbed hold of his sleeve Snape fell back on the lessons he’d been taught at a very young age. He whipped around and backhanded him. Lupin cupped his stinging cheek and looked up at him stunned, eyes full of pain and horror. Snape couldn’t bear it. He couldn’t bear to look into those eyes, or hear that voice ever again. He spat in his face. Lupin looked as if he was going to try to speak again as he wiped the spit from his cheek, but Snape cut him off swiftly as the words that had been echoing around his common room for months fell from his lips in a chilly voice he didn’t recognize. 

“You disgust me you filthy half-breed.”

Lupin never tried to speak to him again. Snape sank deeper and deeper into the relationships he’d been developing with his housemates, attracted to their boasts of power, of strength. He began to brew more complicated potions for them, not caring what they might be used for, only that he was becoming both respected and feared. But it wasn’t just those that crossed him that were afraid, so was Lily.

He couldn’t stand that she’d been right about Lupin. He couldn’t stand her constant pestering now, that he should stop associating with the only people in the world that respected him, that were offering him a place among them. He loved her, but she was in too deep with the Gryffindors, she couldn’t be there for him like she used to anymore. And now she wanted him to, what? Trust that her love part-time would be enough? He had seen what love had gotten him, and with Black’s gang out for blood now, he couldn’t risk standing alone. 

Three years later as he stood kneeling before a mad-man hell-bent on world domination, he heard himself screaming as he smelled the burning flesh from a mark that branded him like cattle, and he couldn’t stand that she’d been right again.

  
“FUCK Severus… God, I love your arse. Fuck I need to…”  
  
Snape obeyed the unspoken command and launched himself onto his hands and knees again, presenting himself. Lupin surged forward, thrusting into him in one smooth motion, as he began pounding into him with a feral punishing lust. He leaned down low over Snape’s back pinning him to the bed by the back of his neck, and Snape keened. This was what he wanted. To be used, to be fucked at a harsh, punishing pace as the man behind him roughly took what he needed. Sometimes, he felt after all he’d done, it was what he deserved. 

  
After the devastation of the war, Snape had taken a post at Hogwarts. It wasn’t a position he’d ever imagined himself in, nor was it one he particularly wanted. But jobs for people with Dark Marks weren’t exactly growing on trees, and he didn’t have the wealth or the resources of the Malfoy family. He needed to take what he could get. Dumbledore had all but insisted. At least at Hogwarts he knew he’d be safe. He might not be happy, but happy was a concept he’d given up years ago. So there he was year after year, watching little versions of himself and his schoolmates re-live the petty rivalries, the bullying and the heartbreak he’d suffered through, year after year like he was in some sick circle of hell, trapped and doomed to this purgatory of adolescent nonsense. These children were no different. Nothing got better. He hated them. 

Snape lived in a quagmire of is own sins, his self-loathing, his anger... and then it got worse. The day he’d been dreading, the Potter boy arrived. He had his mothers eyes, but he looked like his father, and Snape hated him on sight. 

He knew it was petty. He knew it was because he was angry and bitter and broken. He knew he wasn’t a good person. He would never hurt the boy. But he hated him. Maybe he was a child himself in some ways. At the end of the day, he didn't care. He knew he actively favored Slytherin students. Why not? He was hated for his house, the wizarding world distrusted his students. So be it. His job was to teach them something and make sure they didn’t kill each other, not make them like him. He was a terrible teacher and he genuinely didn’t care. He was just waiting to be done. 

Then _ he _came back. Snape had been asked to brew the wolfsbane potion. He’d wanted to tell Dumbledore where to stick it. But he brewed it. Because when they met in the headmasters office to discuss it, he looked over at the man that used to be the boy he’d fallen in love with all those years ago, and he knew that if he could make the potion that would keep him safe, sane and unafraid of himself, he would do it. Every time. He didn’t have to speak to him. He didn’t want to. But he’d never wanted to see him hurt. 

He prepared it monthly. Every month he made an excuse to be on the grounds and watched him go down the tunnel. He would sit outside, staring at the tree and listening to the distant howls. He thought maybe he understood why Lupin had never shared. Maybe it didn’t matter. 

Lupin’s proximity was suffocating. It felt like everywhere he went those eyes were on him, swimming with pain, and disappointment. No doubt Lupin pitied the creature he had become, if he was remembering the boy he had been, too damn bad. That boy had died a long time ago. He’d died with only the briefest glimpse of the love and happiness life had to offer before he had made unforgivable choices that had hollowed and killed him. If Lupin didn’t like the man he saw before him now he could go fuck himself. 

But now, at night the dead boy had returned to haunt him. He’d whisper sweet memories of kisses and laughter, and show him visions of sandy hair falling into tawny eyes and sweet lips that could form shy smiles and wicked grins meant only for him. 

Lupin continued to orbit him, with every month, he got closer and closer, like a moon pulled closer to its planet by gravity. Fingers brushed his as a goblet passed between them, eyes caught his and refused to look away or back down. 

Till the day Lupin had come early for his potion. Snape was in the private workroom adjacent to his office, preserving and powdering mandrake root. While the roots once dried no longer issued a deadly screech, the grinding process created small inaudible ultrasonic magical echoes that could lead to severe migraines with prolonged exposure. Snape had his earmuffs on when Lupin had wandered in looking for him. Lupin tapped him on the shoulder and Snape had jumped, accidentally whipping around too fast and colliding with the shorter man. Lupin had been startled but began to chuckle warmly at the surprised look on Snape’s face. It was very like the moment before they’d first kissed. Both men realized it at the same time and suddenly they were seeing each other again. 

Lupin reached up slowly, as if he was afraid of spooking a wild animal. Bringing his hand up, nearly brushing his pale cheek “Severus, are you still in there?” 

Snape’s eyes widened, he felt vulnerable and exposed as he stared into those searching eyes. He tried to look away but Remus’ hand cupped his cheek and tilted his face back to his own. Snape froze, then melted, his cheek leaning into the touch. “You are…” Remus choked. He did what only Remus and Lily had ever been able to do. He broke through the walls. Severus relented and years of pain and fear and isolation came pouring out. He began to cry silently as that intense gaze stripped him of his defenses, and looked into parts of himself he’d tried to bury. “God, I… I missed you.” Remus swooped down and captured his lips in a soft kiss.

Severus’ traitorous body reacted without his permission, opening his mouth and deepening the kiss as he wrapped his arms around Remus, pulling him closer. 

It was glorious, it was perfect, it felt comforting and safe he heard himself moan, a low needy wanting sound, and suddenly alarm bells went off in his head, _ not good, too fast, danger, you’re making a fool of yourself, bad, stop _…”NO!”

He pushed Lupin away forcefully. Lupin looked shocked and suddenly horrified at what he’d done.

“Severus, I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me. I didn’t mean…”

Snape looked up. “Stop.” He cut the other man off. “It’s ok, I just… I suppose we need to talk about this.”

Lupin chuckled, “I’d say so, yeah.” 

“I just need time to… process. I want to…” Snape trailed off, unsure of what exactly it was that he wanted, “I need to think. Your potion is on my desk. Can we speak tomorrow when you come for your final dose?” 

Lupin hadn’t come the next day. 

He was supposed to come back for his final potion. Snape worried. He went to Lupin’s office, his classroom, his quarters, then he became frightened that something had happened. Perhaps he had run to the shack afraid that he was running out of time? Snape looked at the sky, he could still get there on time, he rushed down to the willow, the potion decanted into a flask in his pocket. 

When he arrived, he heard voices...he approached the first door off the upper landing with caution, then he heard_ him _. Of course. 

Sirius Black helped kill Lily, the Dark Lord had said he had corrupted the secret keeper to the Potters. 

And Lupin still chose to embrace Sirius Black like a brother. 

Snape was a fool. He told the world the next day what Lupin was. Black hadn’t hesitated to tell Snape after all, and Black was the man that Lupin always chose, always picked after all they’d been through, Lupin picked a murderer. He was clearly dangerous. 

And yet, here he was letting himself be pounded away at. Fucked by a man that had lied to him over and over again. He’d been betrayed.

He’d done his fair share of damage when he made sure Lupin would never teach again. And for some reason, this man was still here, fucking him like a toy.

Because after the Order reformed it was too difficult to be picky. Everyone was risking death every day, but Lupin and Snape most of all. They were spies to the werewolves and death eaters. They walked amongst the darkness. 

So they fucked. Hard and fast. Sometimes Snape slept over to avoid being noticed leaving. Sometimes Lupin held him close, probably thinking about Black. 

But tonight Lupin was trying to turn him onto his back. He wanted them chest to chest, eye to eye...

Snape panicked. He’d tried to fight it. Snape wasn’t a virgin, but he’d never allowed anyone to take him on his back. Not since… 

Not since…

Lupin looked him in the eye. Not since the first time, when he thought he could trust someone enough to love him. He tried to twist away, to stop Lupin from shifting their positions, but Lupin was on top of him and Snape closed his eyes, He couldn’t breathe. 

“Shh, calm down. I just want to look at you. Is that okay?”

Lupin, trailed the back of his hand along Snape’s cheek, calming him. Snape searched those honey coloured eyes, searching for the lie, but he found only warm, honest desire.

“Breathe Severus, we don’t have to do it like this if you don’t want to. But I want to see you.” He ran his fingers through Snape’s hair as Snape closed his eyes again, afraid of the intensity of the man above him. He nodded. And Lupin leaned down to kiss him. 

Lupin reached between them, lined himself up again, and slowly, gently, pushed in. Lupin had been fucking him for nearly three months, but now as he slid into him, it felt different. 

“Yes…” Lupin whispered as he cupped his cheek and kissed him slowly, their mouths meeting in a languid, deep kiss, their bodies flush against one another. “This is what I wanted, I wanted _ you _, Severus, Are you in there? Open your eyes.”

Severus did, and it was him. It was him again. It was Remus, the boy he had loved wearing the face of the man he had become. 

“Yes, oh god, yes, there you are, _ my _ Severus. Oh god, I’ve wanted you for so long.” He held Severus’ face and peppered his it with soft, adoring kisses and he slowly rocked into him. “I wanted you back. I thought you were gone, but God, there you are again. I never thought I’d see you again.”

Severus wrapped his legs around the other man's hips, pulling him in as deeply as he could get him. He wrapped his arms around his shoulders and crushed their mouths together. 

He’s never felt so complete. They moved together, hands grasping and pulling closer, closer, tighter their bodies wringing pleasure from one another until finally, Lupin broke the kiss, “Severus...I’m gonna…” his words cut out as he reached a hand between them tugging on Severus leaking cock as he gasped, body shaking and emptying himself into his partner's body. The sight of it made Severus come so violently he bucked his hips up, pushing Remus deeper as his release spilled between them. 

They lay together, panting bonelessly as they each took in what had just happened between them. Remus nuzzled against Severus’ neck and he felt warm, and cherished, “Thanks for that...I wanted…” 

“Moony!” There was a pounding at the door, “Get up! Kreacher made breakfast!”

“Yeah, I’ll be down in a bit, start without me!”

“Don’t take too long or I’ll have eaten all the sausage.”

Remus looked down at Severus apologetically as his softening cock slipped out of him.”I suppose I have to deal with that.” 

“I suppose so.” 

“I’ll be back in a bit,” Remus said as he fished around for his pants and trousers and slipped them on. He pecked Severus on the cheek and went out to meet his friend.

Severus curled up, sinking into the mattress and cocooning himself in the smell of Remus’ sheets. It was soft and comforting. 

But he knew he had to go. He rolled off the bed, and searched for his pants. His dark hair fell into his eyes as he felt around on the floor. The room was a mess, Remus really needed to keep his things tidier. He found them under the bed amongst a stack of parchment. 

He meant to toss the page aside when his heart stopped. He saw his name. The page stuck to his pants read, 

** _Why Severus and I shouldn’t be together_ **

_Our history is poisonous _

_The war makes this unsafe_

_We can’t get over what has happened_

_Severus can be cold _

_Severus has hurt people_

_Severus broke my heart_

_I can’t be a gay werewolf being a werewolf is hard enough, I should be with a woman. _

_Sirius won’t accept him_

_Sirius hates him_

_If I choose this I am a gay werewolf and my best friend will reject me_

Severus’ heart broke again as he slumped against the nightstand. He’d thought...after what they’d just done...that Remus…

Lupin knew he didn’t want this and he was still using him, stringing him along to make him think...those things he said... they were just to keep him here... Snape was a toy. Lupin liked his hole. He was probably a stand-in for Sirius Black. 

He pulled on his trousers and shoved the parchment in his pocket. He wanted to keep it so that he would never make this mistake again. Not with Lupin. Not with anybody. He brushed his hair back from his face as best he could and snuck out the front door of Sirius Black’s house, this was over. 

“Severus!” There was a knock at his door. “Severus! Open the door! It’s me!”

Snape rolled his eyes, what a banal statement. He knew who it was. Did Lupin think he was deaf?

“Severus? Why did you leave? I came back upstairs and you were gone. I thought after last night...I thought…”

Snape curled over into his sofa praying the lying idiot would go away. Maybe he’d think he wasn’t in his rooms. 

“I know you’re in there you bastard! I stopped by Gryffindor tower and got the map from Harry. I know how you feel about that map, but desperate times called for desperate measures!”

Snape huffed and got up from the sofa and headed toward his bedroom. 

“I see you moving towards your bedroom! Stop being a baby and let me in! What is wrong with you! I thought…”

Snape whipped open the door. “What is wrong? WHAT IS WRONG? Nothing is wrong Lupin.” He spat. ”I’m just tired of being your fuck toy. I have finally had enough. I’m sure it’s been fun playing fuck the lonely Death Eater, and I haven’t had enough self respect to say no before. I’m terribly sorry that Black won’t fuck you. But I am NOT your consolation prize Lupin! I am done! Now fuck off and go pull strangers at a muggle club if you need to satisfy your carnal urges. I am not a hole for you to fuck anymore!”

Lupin blanched. “What are you talking about? I never…”

Snape fished into his pocket, pulling out the list and slammed into Lupins chest. “You’ll still be a gay werewolf I’m afraid, but at least you won’t be sullying yourself by fucking Snivellus Snape.” 

He tried to slam the door. But Lupin put his foot in the way, and a hand on the frame.

“You’re joking, right? That’s what this is about?” Lupin snarled, “Severus, I went downstairs to tell Sirius we were together and that he needed to learn to deal with it. Also to save you some raspberry jam because it’s your favourite. I didn’t think naked was a good way to have that conversation. Or would you have preferred for me to tell him to come in while I was still inside of you?”

Snape loosened his hold on the door.

“He wasn’t pleased. But I did get him to agree to try to play nice. I came back upstairs and you were gone. I get it, I really do, but you were never meant to see this list. You didn’t flip it over though did you?” 

Snape looked down at the parchment Lupin handed back to him. He looked back up at Lupin, confused, but he flipped the page over

** _Why Severus and I SHOULD be together_ **

_I’ve been in love with him since I was 14_

Snape looked back up, he didn’t understand, nobody loved him...nobody…

“Why do you look confused? I’ve been the coward Severus, but I always thought you knew.”

Severus continued to stare, his brain seemed to have ceased functioning. Remus was saying…

“Severus, you’re beginning to scare me...are you…”

Severus grabbed him by his stupid jumper pulled him inside and shut the door. “Do you mean that?” he said as he pressed him against the wall.

“Yes.” Remus’ head hit the wall and he had the wind knocked out of him from the impact. “Of course I do...” he wheezed, trying to catch his breath. Severus searched his eyes, looking for the lie, the joke, the caveat. He didn’t find it. There had to be something. He only found warmth, and want in those eyes. 

“I love you too,” Severus whispered as he pressed himself against warm, tanned, skin. ”Is there still raspberry jam at your house?” 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> It's a rare pair I will die defending. I hope I did it justice. I tend to dig into the uglier parts of relationships, and I enjoy exploring the grey parts of humanity.This pairing, to me, can only be fun crack fic once you can see it at all. And if you want some pointers on great crack fic for this pairing let me know. I think I am the walking Snupin lexicon. Let me know your thoughts in the comments ;)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The wolf underneath your skin](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20366143) by [Etalice](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Etalice/pseuds/Etalice)


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